Joke of the Day!!

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt, though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: "That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!"

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

The woman goes on, "And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!"

"Well, OK!" says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back. "Your turn," says the man.

"No, thanks," says the woman, "I think I'll just wait for the police."

Zhiwei

Three couples

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor has a rule that all new members must go three weeks without having sex.

Three weeks go by and the first couple comes back. The pastor says, "So how did it go?"

"It was pretty hard, but we made it," says the first couple.
"Well, welcome to our church," says the pastor.

The second couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question. Their reply is the same as the first couple's.

The third couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question, and they reply, "Well, we were doing pretty well until last night when she bent over to pick up that can of pork and beans and I just put it to her."

"Well, I'm sorry, but you're not welcome to our church," says the pastor.

"That's okay," says the third couple, "We're moving. We're not welcome at the grocery store either."

Zhiwei

Joke of the Day!!

The blog is dead for a while, so let me spark it off with a joke! :)

Stumpy and His Wife

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Zhiwei :)

Joke of the Day!!

Southern Fried Chicken.. ya~!

One day Idiot F, Idiot J and Idiot Z when for dinner.

After ordering their food, Idiot Z suddenly ask a question,
"Ermm.. why is Southern Fried Chicken called Southern Fried Chicken?"

Idiot F replied, "Ask the owner of the shop, he will probably knows"

So Idiot Z when over to the owner and ask,
"Uncle! Why is Southern Fried Chicken called Southern Fried Chicken??"

Owner of the shop replied, "You see the guy there ya~"

Idiot Z, "Ya~"

Owner continues, "He frying the chicken ya~"

"Ya~", replied Idiot Z

"His name is Southern!", said the owner

Idiot Z, "OH YA!!"

Idiot Z went back and told the rest! All was amazed! But there go, they thank the owner.

Owner, "Hey John, they really believe you are called Southern.. Idiots!.. ya~"

Idiot Z :)

Phua Chu Kang!

To all Singaporeans... still remember who is the guy???

Mr Phua Chu Kang~! =)
Here's a little joke from him in a show long long long ago....

**** Hope the below does not offend anybody!! It is just for laughs and yeah the English you will be seeing is really just Singlish ****

PCK's view on sex...

Phua Chu Kang ( PCK )explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius ...
Aloy : Why is making love soenjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sexmorethan men?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you digdig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when theyget raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load(road),den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sexwhen she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah !Use your Blain(brain), use your blainnn ..........

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight(correct) or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn . you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!

Just for laughs and de-stressing
Francis
don't pray pray ar... =X

Joke of the Day!!

One day, a male Onion Head walked into a bar and saw the cutest female Onion Head he have ever see in his life!

After watching her all night, he finally get enough courage to walk towards her.

With beauty of yours, you deserve the world and a free drink. May I have the honour to buy you one?

Thank you

The two Onion Head start chatting..

What's your name?

Carmen

Oh. What a nice name!

Yeah, I gave that name to myself. I really like cars and I really like men, so I combined the two to make 'Carmen'

So what's your name

You can call me.. Beerpussy :)

Bartender Teo :)

Where is my Remote? Is on your HEAD!!

Are you a hardcore TV addict, i.e. Hong Kong TVB serial?

Do you kept misplacing your remote or hand phone? Or even throwing them away by accident??

Do you have a lot of gadgets and kept losing them?

Do you have some much paper on you table that you can even find your pencil!!

If you do!! THIS IS DESIGN ESPECIALLY FOR YOU!!

THE REMOTE WRANGLER

The Multimedia Remote Control Wrangler (aka Remote Wrangler) has taken a novel approach to remote control storage that will be sure to take the world by storm, head first. It will certainly win the hearts (and heads) of those frustrated consumers who have had enough and are ready to regain control over their lives and remote controls or pencils!!

Currently, only 2 styles are available for this unorthodox headgear but others are sure to follow. For the sports enthusiast, there is the red white and blue "Retro Sportsman" model, which has proven to be very popular in the Asian market.

But remote control is unrealistic to us - the hardworking students of Birmingham!! So you can stick Pen! Pencil! Liquid Paper!!

Never to be lose in piles of paper, get the Remote Wrangler

Please call 07851751151 to order right now!! First 50 customers will have a remote ABSOLUATELY FREE!! While stock last!!

*Batteries not included*

Salesman Teo [ aka Zhiwei :) ]

Joke of the Day!!

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator:

"My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:

"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence....... Then......

BAAANNNNGGGG!!!

Hunter came back to the line and says:

"OK, now what?"

Operator: "Errmmmmm..... "

Zhiwei :)

Suicide Method

In response of one of the member wanting to shoot herself, I, as a caring and concern friend and committee member, shall.......

Give your more option so you can choose :)

Burning (Self-Immolation)

Self-immolation is the act of setting oneself on fire; an accelerant such as gasoline is frequently used to hasten death. Burning to death can take several minutes to several hours, making this a painful way to expire. Death may result from smoke inhalation, shock, or, after a period of days, systemic failure. A person who survives self-immolation may still suffer extensive burns.

This definitely not recommended, unless you are really desperate to become damn HOT!
Male Ghost: *Whistle* “Oei chio bu!! Want dinner? Got some delicious candles here!!”

Jumping

Jumping from a great height can shatter organs and tissues. If a person jumps from a bridge into water, the person may die by drowning rather than by impact, especially if the bridge lies low over the water.

But generally it is not recommend, because, as you jump halfway, your life will probably flash in front of you, and you might regret. You might not wanted to die half way through, but you cant change the course anymore. But of course, unless you drink red bull before you jump. Cause…. RED BULL GIVE YOU WINGS!!

Carbon monoxide poisoning

In most cases carbon monoxide is a product of combustion; for example, it can be released by cars and some types of heaters where there has been incomplete combustion.
Carbon monoxide is a colourless and odourless gas, so its presence cannot be detected. It is harmful to the human organism as the CO molecules lowering the body's oxygenation, eventually resulting in death.

Carbon monoxide is produce mainly by car. If you wanted to choose this option, you can rent a car from enterprise. Links is at the side of the blog. And remember, said you know “Francis” and you get 10% discount!! WOOHOO!! *So proud of my president* ^^

Shooting

Brain or heart damage kills a person most quickly; however, the gun must be powerful enough for that to succeed. Usually place to aim are the side of forehead, in the mouth and in some cases the heart is chosen as a target, but it is harder to aim correctly. There are many cases of brain damage and severe physical trauma that do not result in loss of life.

Getting a gun here is difficult but not impossible. But it is probably so troublesome, you might give up committing suicide. Not a option for the less determined ones! :)

If you want a more comfortable option of being shot. Being shot by a guy.. With another gun. That would surely relieve some stress :p

Hanging

Death will be instantaneous due to breaking of the neck. If the neck is not broken, severely deficient supply of oxygen due to the obstructed wind pipe will ultimately lead to death.

This is quite a ugly death. Your tougue will probably be sticking out and eye balls popping up like nobody business. And please, do get a stronger rope with you think you are heavy.

Drowning

Suicide by drowning is the act of deliberately submerging oneself in water or other liquid and staying there long enough to prevent breathing and deprive the brain of oxygen. Genuine cases of drowning are determined by whether the victim's lungs are filled with water.

This is also another case of ugly death. Your face and body would probably be so bloated and wrinkled, noone will recognise you. Please! Do this only you are very desperate of swimming.

Electrocuting

Sticking your fingers into the plugs, will cause a lethal electric shock that is able to kill. A high enough voltage can overcome the high resistance of the skin and pass a sizable current through the trunk. A large alternating current through the body can seriously disrupt nerve signals and can cause the heart to go into irregular contraction.

PS: People with fat fingers? Opps.. Try another option.

And of course, above is an only reference, not recommendation by the singsoc committee. Carrying out of any of the above acts will not be the responsibility. :):) And if you really felt stress and pressure, please.. look around at the greeneries and the people around! The world is still so beautiful!! Have a good break and a good laugh at the post and..

GO BACK TO WORK!!

PS: I found all these information in wikipedia!! WTH!!

Zhiwei

Joke of the Day!!

After a long pause, I shall start it off with a joke!! :)

Banger Boys

Terry and Murphy fancy a pint or two, but between them they can only raise a pound.
Murphy says: "Hang on a minute, I have an idea"

He goes inot a butcher's shop and comes out with a large sausage.

"Are you crazy?" screams Terry. "You just spent the last of our money!!"

"Dont worry, just follow me" Murphy insists.

He goes into the pub and order two pints of Strongbow. Terry turns white.

"How you have lost it," Terry shrieks. "Do you know how much trouble we are in!!"

"Don't worry" replies Murphy. "I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and bite it between you teeth. But don't chew it, we need to reuse it!!"

The barman notices them, goes into berserk and throws them out. They continue this trick pub after pub, getting drunk for free.

After the tenth pub, Terry begs: "Murphy, tonight is great, but I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and my knees are killing me!"

"How do you think I feel?" replies Murphy. "l lost the sausage in the third pub!!"

Terry:

- Winter :)

Joke of the Day!!

All characters and events appearing in this joke are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

.

.

如有雷同，纯属巧合

.

.

Doctor TOE has slept with one of his patients and feels terribly guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tries to forget about it, he can't. The guilt and sense of betrayal is overwhelming.

But every once in a while his guardian angel will speak in a ressuring voice in his head

"TOE, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go......."

But another voice, from the DEVIL, will sound in his head. Knocking him back to reality!

TOE!! YOU ARE A VET!!

No animal is harmed, killed or abuse in the production of this joke

- Winter :)

Joke of the Day!!

A man and a friend are playing golf. The man is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.”

The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

- Winter :)

Joke of the Day!

Coffee Break!

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells,

"O.K, coffee break's over. Everyone! back on your HEADS!"

-Winter :)

Singlish vs English

Singlish hou ar....!!!!!!! learn la veli usefull one kekekekeke


Singlish vs Britian English ...
Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc. The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions.

Compare these phrases that Singaporean and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are and a long distance call.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
SIngaporeans: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Singaporean: Hallo, who call?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: S-kew me.

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door? Sinaporeans: (pointing the door) can I?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Doe-waaaan!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here. Singaporeans: Shaddap lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Singaporeans: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Singaporeans: Wat happen ????ADUI!!! (jumping to conclusion)

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let mne show you.
Singaporeans:Hoi!!!u pig ar lidat also doe no how to do!!!!

hahaha....so wat u guys think?? izzit true??



~by~
L

Joke of the Day!!

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons,

"Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says:

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman.

"I'll give it a try,"

she says,

"but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

- Winter :P

Joke of the Day!

GUTS! GUTS! GUTS!

Bush, Blair and Lee were on a warship that was cruising near S.Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers. Bush said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".

Blair was pissed. He had to show. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around This ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like gila! After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM exclaimed "That's what I call guts!"

Now Lee really cannot tahan. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called Ah Beng, one of his Private, and said, "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!". The Private replied "Oi, le ki siao izzit? (Are you crazy) I juz bought my condo and I am getting married when I go back. Now, U want me to jump and die? If u want to hao lian, you jump into the sea yourself ! @#*&%F!." The Singapore PM grinned and said:

- Winter :)

Joke of the Day

One day, three man went for job interview..

The interviewer asks the first man:
“What is the fastest thing on earth"
The first man answered:
“Light! Because light travel at 299,792,458 meters per second!"
The interviewer is impressed!

The interviewer asks the second man:
“What is the fastest thing on earth"
The second man answered:
“It is my thought! Within less than 1 second, I can have so many thoughts and ideas to contribute to the company!"
The interviewer is impressed again!

The interviewer asks the third man the same question.
The third man answered:
“It must be diarrhoea!"
The interview was curious. He asked:
“Diarrhoea? Why diarrhoea??"
The third man replied:
“Well, when I got home yesterday, before I can switch on the Light and before I can think of anything! I shitted all over my pants already!”

- Winter Serenity